I was not always a charter fishing boat captain. This would invoke more cheers and possibly a standing ovation, for sure. All you’d really have to do is get in the cannon and, once shot, remember to wave at the cheering crowd who are no doubt secretly hoping that the cannon misfires, overshooting the landing net, and sending your imbecilic corpse careening over the parking lot and splattering in an unrecognizable mess into the waffle truck. It’s hard to imagine that being shot out of a cannon would require a whole lot of talent. I bet back in the 1900s, when it was a good and legitimate job (as outdoor circuses and county fairs drew thousands), I would have been well suited to being shot out of a cannon, although I don’t know the exact criteria for pursuing a career as a human cannonball. I suppose I was always in search of fame and recognition we all are, to an extent, but I took it to an extreme.

Just like with fishing, I had my moments. Despite all this, I managed to insinuate myself into the industry to some degree, working here and there and opening for some big celebrities.

I was clever enough, even pithy, but my speech was slurred and garbled, bordering on inarticulate, and I was very nervous onstage. I have a history of pursuing irresponsible, grandiose careers for which I was remarkably unsuited and underqualified. I guess it’s no surprise that I tried to become a Montauk charter boat captain (among the most elite and respected fleets in the history of the sportfishing industry).

Tides of war not working